In the last few weeks and days I have learned more about myself through the eyes of God. The 4th through the 9th I was on a ladies retreat with my peeps/ homies/ ladies from church. We went whitewater rafting which was not as scary as I thought as well as rock climbing. The day I was going to conquer that rock was the day I learned I have MORE healing to do. During this time while at the facility we did a great study "FaceDown" by Matt Redman and videos by Joe G. (I won't attempt to spell his last name) which also made me realize, the reason I was there.
I have always been a hard, strong and tough person (at least those were my thoughts) but the day of the rock climbing I was shown different. God opened my eyes to realize that one, its okay to hurt. This rock climbing meant to me conquering what I have gone through in my childhood, the sexual abuse, the poor choices I made and my final "getting over it". As I looked for the spots in the rock to place my finger tips; was like depending on myself to deal with this pain I have and not the rock which in turn meant giving to God. The more I searched the less I found spots, then I had to start from square one and it seemed like hours to me but I know it was minutes. In one of the pictures my hands are midway and up because I couldn't anymore. Two, God said that it's okay not to be strong and I am His child and He is my Father. Three, even though I have a tough time admitting to myself that I had to give up because I simply couldn't, God whispered that I was not giving up and I was starting. This is where my healing begins!!!!! When I repelled from the rock I left my fears, worries, weakness at the top and on the first step off the rock I took! Along with continued healing, I also learned to let go and JUST GO!!!!!! (I will update with pictures later)
That weekend was one of the best ones I have had in a really long time. I was able to think, spend time with God and myself , laughed (a LOT), cried and spoke out to others about who I am. My journey with God has been amazing the last 2 years, words are not enough to express how His love has been for my family and me. The ladies I have met on this journey has been WONDERFUL and like I have said before, they were placed in my life for a reason and its to help through this healing process which I thought I had it down..... Thank you Lord for everything in my life, good and bad!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
On Meds (Rx)
So I'm bipolar well that explains alot in my life that I did not understand. Emotions, actions and reactions to life. Don't worry I'm not hearing voices or wanting to hurt myself or others...although, just kidding! LOL ;) According to my doctors this was due to not taking action on the traumatic event in my childhood and also the post partum in 2003. Now I take Rx and it's a wonderful thing I have to say. I tried doing the "natural remedy" but it only worked for a few months and then I realized I had to take the real deal. At first I was ashamed of saying that I was bipolar but it's who I am and who I have learned to be and love.
After I started taking the Rx, my oldest told me that she was happy that I wasn't sad or angry any more. That was all I needed to continue to take care of myself which I did not realize I "had a problem". For years I was "accused" of having a nasty attitude...well yeah I was walking around not being attended by a doctor. Enough about that and on to more of me. In late 2008 I accepted Christ as my Savior and my life has been so much better. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better....it did!!!!! The group of people I have meant through church and work (same place for me) has made me realize that I have more mothers that I could have ever asked for. I'm blessed to have these ladies in my life and in my family's life.
Christmas 2008 my mother called me and wanted to talk so I agreed. At the time her husband was not living with her so this means she was alone (I believe that had a lot to do with it). She doesn't like to be alone and depends on company all the time. Anyway we agreed that she can come by and visit with us and the girls, why you ask well because I wanted to do the right thing and maybe a part of guilt was still there. My daughters really don't have a grandmother because my mother in law passed 16 years ago so all they have is my mother. Are you still with me? At the beginning of her visit it felt good to have her around but then things started changing. Those feelings were disappearing and I felt at ease with them. I had no need to see her and my daughters didn't really miss her so this made the situation easier. My mother was under the impression that I was going to be different because she was back in my life but I wasn't. I for once was at peace with her and the situation. My guilty feelings and anger were gone from my mind and heart, another part of me was free!!!!!! That is the best way I can explain, in Myriam language. ;)
I later found that she took her husband back and that is why she stopped coming by and calling. No need for explanation there from her to me because that is her pattern. She is a grown lady and makes her decision whether they are good or not. Like I said before God placed me to be around all these different ladies and I understand why now. Thank you Lord for my many blessings that words can't explain!
After I started taking the Rx, my oldest told me that she was happy that I wasn't sad or angry any more. That was all I needed to continue to take care of myself which I did not realize I "had a problem". For years I was "accused" of having a nasty attitude...well yeah I was walking around not being attended by a doctor. Enough about that and on to more of me. In late 2008 I accepted Christ as my Savior and my life has been so much better. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better....it did!!!!! The group of people I have meant through church and work (same place for me) has made me realize that I have more mothers that I could have ever asked for. I'm blessed to have these ladies in my life and in my family's life.
Christmas 2008 my mother called me and wanted to talk so I agreed. At the time her husband was not living with her so this means she was alone (I believe that had a lot to do with it). She doesn't like to be alone and depends on company all the time. Anyway we agreed that she can come by and visit with us and the girls, why you ask well because I wanted to do the right thing and maybe a part of guilt was still there. My daughters really don't have a grandmother because my mother in law passed 16 years ago so all they have is my mother. Are you still with me? At the beginning of her visit it felt good to have her around but then things started changing. Those feelings were disappearing and I felt at ease with them. I had no need to see her and my daughters didn't really miss her so this made the situation easier. My mother was under the impression that I was going to be different because she was back in my life but I wasn't. I for once was at peace with her and the situation. My guilty feelings and anger were gone from my mind and heart, another part of me was free!!!!!! That is the best way I can explain, in Myriam language. ;)
I later found that she took her husband back and that is why she stopped coming by and calling. No need for explanation there from her to me because that is her pattern. She is a grown lady and makes her decision whether they are good or not. Like I said before God placed me to be around all these different ladies and I understand why now. Thank you Lord for my many blessings that words can't explain!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Mother Free
While my cousin Jackie lived with us I was mother free. My aunt and grandmother were different with me due to the fact that we took Jackie in. Maybe they thought I was going to "make" her not love her mother or stay away from her mother but that was not the case. We encouraged phone calls and visits to her mother and during this time we cared for Jackie. There were a few "disagreements" between my grandmother and I because of my aunt's issues. During this time my grandmother started speaking again to my mother again outside of my aunts house (since they lived in the same house). My aunt didn't speak to my mother or did not allow her in her house, I can understand her anger feelings towards that situation. My grandmother would talk to me and try to get me to change my mind but she didn't understand how I was feeling. I felt free for the first time in a really long time...I did not have to fake the loving and caring daughter role any longer and now someone was forcing me to change towards my own feelings. I loved my grandmother very much and more than my mother because growing up in Puerto Rico I was always around my grandparents.
To sum this portion up the conversation between us went back and forth on my feelings towards my mother. To this day I am not sure if my grandmother ever understood my feelings but I sure did. My aunt had anger towards me or at least that is the impression she gave me when I would take Jackie over to visit her and return when Jackie wanted to be picked up. I tried to talk to my aunt but it was tough because she and I are very alike, stubborn and hard headed Latin ladies. ;) It was another tough 6 months in my life during this period because I was making myself happy and trying to please others. So this went along until one night I get a call from my mothers friend that my grandmother is in the hospital and we need to visit her, not good. My heart dropped when I heard that even though I knew she was ill but one is never ready to actually hear those words.
Jackie and I went to the hospital and visited with our grandmother and basically waited until she passed. This was extremely hard because we had been heavily discussing certain situations and I felt like a jerk but before she left this world I whispered to her that I loved her very much and I was sorry. I believe she heard me and I just held her hand like I have never done so before. She was my rock and my gem which I loved dearly!!!!!! (I haven't cried for her in two years until now) You may be asking if my mother was around and yes she was but I had no interaction with her unless it was to get information about my grandmother. We all flew to Puerto Rico because my grandmother wanted to be buried next to her husband. During the funeral other family members asked why I was not sitting by mom or aunt and I just said because I have my reason and a lot has happened and this is not the place to speak about it. Maybe they knew or maybe not, I know some of my great aunts and cousins knew.
We returned home and Jackie decided to move back in with her mother. I will say I was hurt because it was the same day we got home and she was packing up while we were eating dinner. I know there was some family members that may have given her the guilt trip (because that is what our family does) now that my aunt was going to alone. So just like that Jackie she was gone.... I was disappointed. It was too much for me to handle at one time, emotionally I was on a rollercoaster of feelings. I cried, smiled, and laughed which I knew I had to take control of my life once again. My husband is the best and I am forever GRATEFUL to have him in my life. He has put up with so much but as he says, I'm here for you and love you. During those past two years I was diagnosed bipolar and was put on meds, wow what a difference that made in my life.
To sum this portion up the conversation between us went back and forth on my feelings towards my mother. To this day I am not sure if my grandmother ever understood my feelings but I sure did. My aunt had anger towards me or at least that is the impression she gave me when I would take Jackie over to visit her and return when Jackie wanted to be picked up. I tried to talk to my aunt but it was tough because she and I are very alike, stubborn and hard headed Latin ladies. ;) It was another tough 6 months in my life during this period because I was making myself happy and trying to please others. So this went along until one night I get a call from my mothers friend that my grandmother is in the hospital and we need to visit her, not good. My heart dropped when I heard that even though I knew she was ill but one is never ready to actually hear those words.
Jackie and I went to the hospital and visited with our grandmother and basically waited until she passed. This was extremely hard because we had been heavily discussing certain situations and I felt like a jerk but before she left this world I whispered to her that I loved her very much and I was sorry. I believe she heard me and I just held her hand like I have never done so before. She was my rock and my gem which I loved dearly!!!!!! (I haven't cried for her in two years until now) You may be asking if my mother was around and yes she was but I had no interaction with her unless it was to get information about my grandmother. We all flew to Puerto Rico because my grandmother wanted to be buried next to her husband. During the funeral other family members asked why I was not sitting by mom or aunt and I just said because I have my reason and a lot has happened and this is not the place to speak about it. Maybe they knew or maybe not, I know some of my great aunts and cousins knew.
We returned home and Jackie decided to move back in with her mother. I will say I was hurt because it was the same day we got home and she was packing up while we were eating dinner. I know there was some family members that may have given her the guilt trip (because that is what our family does) now that my aunt was going to alone. So just like that Jackie she was gone.... I was disappointed. It was too much for me to handle at one time, emotionally I was on a rollercoaster of feelings. I cried, smiled, and laughed which I knew I had to take control of my life once again. My husband is the best and I am forever GRATEFUL to have him in my life. He has put up with so much but as he says, I'm here for you and love you. During those past two years I was diagnosed bipolar and was put on meds, wow what a difference that made in my life.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
What the ???
I recall my grandmother calling my mother on her cell phone, which "they" were heading out of town for something. My grandmother demanded she show up to the house or she was going to call the cops. (my grandmother didn't realize the cops couldn't do anything at this point, but that is how upset she was; God bless her soul). Alright my mother is at their house and is asking what is going on, I simply told her it's over and now they know. Naturally I was crying my eyes out and my mom had this look of shock. To be honest with you, as I sit here trying to recall all the details; I honestly can not and I believe and feel this is a blessing for me on this healing process I have been going through. I remember some yelling (4 latin ladies going at it) and I was sitting in a chair just crying and felt this load come off my back, literally a lift of heaviness was gone, as if I were free. Yes, I was free of carrying this secret burden for so many years.
From that day on I told my mother not to contact me and she was not allowed to see my daughters. I needed time to soak it all in, all that had happened and just be me! I know this crushed my grandmother and she was very hurt. I felt even more crappy because I didn't tell them sooner as they asked why I didn't. Then one day my aunt told me that she was sorry for how she treated me. I was confused by that and she proceeded to explain to me why. Like I stated before things were said by my mother to others during this time while it was a "secret". My mom had told my aunt that the reason he was living out of the house was because I tried to do something with him. This is going back a few years when I was 15 and he was told to move out of the house by the authorities or his lawyer. Of course I was even in more shock and questioned my aunt, are you sure? I couldn't believe what I was hearing, my heart just dropped to my stomach and I didn't know what to say or react. At the moment it confirmed that I made the right decision to not have her involved in my life.
My mom being the person she was and may still be. One memory that sticks is a bag full of items for my daughters which was dropped off at our house by her. Trying to buy herself back into our lives. When I arrived that day from work I wondered what is this? My gut told me what was going on but I didn't want to think it was true. The next day, immediately I returned the stuff to her house and left a note for her stating, " I told you I needed time and not to contact or in this case deliver anything to me or the girls". I was full of anger at this time of my life because I learned more about my mom. During this time my shame and guilt level rose higher and higher. From what I have read these are natural feelings for this type of thing. I couldn't help but ask myself; how could she be the person she is? I felt unloved and unprotected by the lady that brought me into this world and gave me life. What could have occurred in her childhood for her to be insecure? I also asked myself, why didn't I stop it, why didn't I tell someone, why why and more why?
The next two years was lived mother free. I enjoyed my life and who I was turning out to be. I focused on my husband and daughters. On day while at work my youngest cousin called me crying and wanted to live with us. The things that happened between my aunt and Jackie is between them and for her to share if she wants. Of course our answer was yes because I knew that was the right thing to do. Unfortunately my aunt, her mother may have felt threatened by this. Not sure exactly why because I was not taking her place but just trying to be there for my family. This caused things and feeling to change from my aunt towards me and I felt it from other family members. We tried our best to do what was best for Jackie; she called her mom and visited during this time she lived with us.
Every family has dysfunctional peeps and no one is "normal", or do you know what normal is?
From that day on I told my mother not to contact me and she was not allowed to see my daughters. I needed time to soak it all in, all that had happened and just be me! I know this crushed my grandmother and she was very hurt. I felt even more crappy because I didn't tell them sooner as they asked why I didn't. Then one day my aunt told me that she was sorry for how she treated me. I was confused by that and she proceeded to explain to me why. Like I stated before things were said by my mother to others during this time while it was a "secret". My mom had told my aunt that the reason he was living out of the house was because I tried to do something with him. This is going back a few years when I was 15 and he was told to move out of the house by the authorities or his lawyer. Of course I was even in more shock and questioned my aunt, are you sure? I couldn't believe what I was hearing, my heart just dropped to my stomach and I didn't know what to say or react. At the moment it confirmed that I made the right decision to not have her involved in my life.
My mom being the person she was and may still be. One memory that sticks is a bag full of items for my daughters which was dropped off at our house by her. Trying to buy herself back into our lives. When I arrived that day from work I wondered what is this? My gut told me what was going on but I didn't want to think it was true. The next day, immediately I returned the stuff to her house and left a note for her stating, " I told you I needed time and not to contact or in this case deliver anything to me or the girls". I was full of anger at this time of my life because I learned more about my mom. During this time my shame and guilt level rose higher and higher. From what I have read these are natural feelings for this type of thing. I couldn't help but ask myself; how could she be the person she is? I felt unloved and unprotected by the lady that brought me into this world and gave me life. What could have occurred in her childhood for her to be insecure? I also asked myself, why didn't I stop it, why didn't I tell someone, why why and more why?
The next two years was lived mother free. I enjoyed my life and who I was turning out to be. I focused on my husband and daughters. On day while at work my youngest cousin called me crying and wanted to live with us. The things that happened between my aunt and Jackie is between them and for her to share if she wants. Of course our answer was yes because I knew that was the right thing to do. Unfortunately my aunt, her mother may have felt threatened by this. Not sure exactly why because I was not taking her place but just trying to be there for my family. This caused things and feeling to change from my aunt towards me and I felt it from other family members. We tried our best to do what was best for Jackie; she called her mom and visited during this time she lived with us.
Every family has dysfunctional peeps and no one is "normal", or do you know what normal is?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
A lot to take in
Okay where do I begin from the last post, oh yes...our second daughter was born. The following years were tough because now I had two daughters to protect. During this time frame I wanted to "repair" myself and by this I mean my feelings of anger and hurt. I visited a psychologist for a few months and found out I was dealing with post partum and I was also diagnosed border line bipolar. All this because of my post traumatic stress event which was not taken care of when I was younger. While I was visiting my head doctor I asked my mother to attend some of the sessions but she did not and stated to me that all I was going through and why I made the decisions I made was because my own choices. WOW talk about kicking someone when they are low or adding fuel to the fire. I do recall telling her that I did not have a good example of how to make decisions and I was brought up to please others instead of myself which lead to my decisions in life. Before I keep going I know some of you reading this will not believe the next statements but here it goes.
During this period of my life my mother was not working and we were adjusting financially to having two children, while I was going to "fix" myself. I allowed my mother to watch the girls at our house and this helped us and helped her too. There was one condition that came along with this responsibility, he was not allowed in the house or even in our driveway period!!! Once again the little girl inside of me trying to get her mother. I always called to hear how my girls were doing. Well some time went by and one day I asked my oldest (she was 2 1/2) so what did you do today and she replied... there was a man drinking coffee with Lela (that is what they called my mother), of course I blew my top and could not believe what I was hearing (till this day that brings tears to my eyes and my heart fills with pain). I tried not to show my anger to my daughter and I kept asking more questions. The next day I enrolled them in a daycare not far from my work and that was the last she took care of my daughters. I explained to her that she cut the trust again and that I couldn't believe what occurred. My mother took her defense and I didn't want anything to do with her for a while, I didn't know how to react, I was just so upset but at the same time I asked myself, why did I think this time would be different? I was still a little girl trying to get her mother's love.
Now the part where it comes out to the rest of the family. I was an office manager for a construction company staying busy. One day my cell rings and I knew what the call was going to consist of, I automatically started crying before I answered the phone. It was my cousin from NC so I picked up the phone (I will never forget this) and she stated that I knew why she was calling since she heard me crying. Silence took over for what seemed hours and she asked why I had not told her, I simply told her I don't know. Then she continued to ask if our aunt and grandmother knew or anyone else in the family. I told her no not that I know of, so this led to the news coming out. I told her that I would tell them but when I was ready, which I was never ready and I am glad that she told them (2 days later (I beleive) after our phone call). My aunt called me to come over to talk and I knew what it was about. I arrived and they were all crying and of course me too because it was shocking to them and this secret that I held on to for years was out! My grandmother was so upset that I had not ever seen her so upset in my life.
During this period of my life my mother was not working and we were adjusting financially to having two children, while I was going to "fix" myself. I allowed my mother to watch the girls at our house and this helped us and helped her too. There was one condition that came along with this responsibility, he was not allowed in the house or even in our driveway period!!! Once again the little girl inside of me trying to get her mother. I always called to hear how my girls were doing. Well some time went by and one day I asked my oldest (she was 2 1/2) so what did you do today and she replied... there was a man drinking coffee with Lela (that is what they called my mother), of course I blew my top and could not believe what I was hearing (till this day that brings tears to my eyes and my heart fills with pain). I tried not to show my anger to my daughter and I kept asking more questions. The next day I enrolled them in a daycare not far from my work and that was the last she took care of my daughters. I explained to her that she cut the trust again and that I couldn't believe what occurred. My mother took her defense and I didn't want anything to do with her for a while, I didn't know how to react, I was just so upset but at the same time I asked myself, why did I think this time would be different? I was still a little girl trying to get her mother's love.
Now the part where it comes out to the rest of the family. I was an office manager for a construction company staying busy. One day my cell rings and I knew what the call was going to consist of, I automatically started crying before I answered the phone. It was my cousin from NC so I picked up the phone (I will never forget this) and she stated that I knew why she was calling since she heard me crying. Silence took over for what seemed hours and she asked why I had not told her, I simply told her I don't know. Then she continued to ask if our aunt and grandmother knew or anyone else in the family. I told her no not that I know of, so this led to the news coming out. I told her that I would tell them but when I was ready, which I was never ready and I am glad that she told them (2 days later (I beleive) after our phone call). My aunt called me to come over to talk and I knew what it was about. I arrived and they were all crying and of course me too because it was shocking to them and this secret that I held on to for years was out! My grandmother was so upset that I had not ever seen her so upset in my life.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Another page turns
First I would like to say that the last post and possibly the one before were raw....please understand these are my feelings from the time this happened. I am a new creation now and have learned from my past. (I still have more learning to do) :)
Once I met Julian, he was like no other guy I had ever met before. He was polite, nice, caring and understanding. A complete 360 from the guys I have ever chose to date before. I asked myself if there was something wrong with him, and the answer was and still is NO. He was brought up differently then others I have known. After a few months of dating I told him my story (briefly) because we were getting serious and I wanted him to know more about me. Looking back now, it made our relationship stronger and an open line of communication is one of the keys to a great relationship, in my opinion. During this time I still had "beef" with my mother because I was still angry towards her and the situation. I tried to work it out as best as I could and I was pre-occupied with my new love for life.... Julian. He was the one that always told me I needed to share what happened with my grandmother and others in my family. I told him I couldn't but he encouraged me to do so anyway. My life was good while we dated and then we got married in 1997, which was 3 1/2 years later. The day of my wedding I was happy because I was getting married to the love of my life but at the same time; I was angry because my mother and him still had some control, I don't even know how to describe it. How they said things or did things..... ?
I was pregnant with our first baby girl (July 2001) and we were scared and excited. I gave some thought about the situation between my mother and I. My conclusion was to allow her to be in the room when I gave birth. Why you may ask, well my thinking process was; if I allowed her to see the birth of my child it will bring her back memories of her own labor when she brought me into this world and allow her heart to open to me. Unfortunately, that did not work that way. Now that I became a mother it was even easier for me to make decision on my own. I wanted to and still protect my daughters!!!! I knew that I couldn't allow him to be around my daughter. I asked myself if my mom thought differently, and I think she did. Could she not understand where I was coming from? Was I speaking in another language she did not understand? I say these things because she did not come over to visit with us. My main rule was, he was not allowed in our house. So because of this she chose not to visit with us and would get upset about my firm decision. Was I asking a lot.... I don't think so.
So the days, weeks, months and years passed. In November 2003 I gave birth to our second baby girl. Once again I allowed my mother to witness this gift from God. But once again it did not go as I thought. I still did not allow him in our house!!! She rarely saw her grand daughters if she came over alone. At times she had family over from out of town at her house and at times we would stop in. If we went over it was for a short time and everyone always asked why we were leaving so soon. My mother always stated to others that she never got to see her grand daughters but she failed to tell them why. I followed her comments with my own, that she alone was welcome at our house. I'm not sure if family and others knew what that meant. (I have to think yes and I will go into that later).
Once I met Julian, he was like no other guy I had ever met before. He was polite, nice, caring and understanding. A complete 360 from the guys I have ever chose to date before. I asked myself if there was something wrong with him, and the answer was and still is NO. He was brought up differently then others I have known. After a few months of dating I told him my story (briefly) because we were getting serious and I wanted him to know more about me. Looking back now, it made our relationship stronger and an open line of communication is one of the keys to a great relationship, in my opinion. During this time I still had "beef" with my mother because I was still angry towards her and the situation. I tried to work it out as best as I could and I was pre-occupied with my new love for life.... Julian. He was the one that always told me I needed to share what happened with my grandmother and others in my family. I told him I couldn't but he encouraged me to do so anyway. My life was good while we dated and then we got married in 1997, which was 3 1/2 years later. The day of my wedding I was happy because I was getting married to the love of my life but at the same time; I was angry because my mother and him still had some control, I don't even know how to describe it. How they said things or did things..... ?
I was pregnant with our first baby girl (July 2001) and we were scared and excited. I gave some thought about the situation between my mother and I. My conclusion was to allow her to be in the room when I gave birth. Why you may ask, well my thinking process was; if I allowed her to see the birth of my child it will bring her back memories of her own labor when she brought me into this world and allow her heart to open to me. Unfortunately, that did not work that way. Now that I became a mother it was even easier for me to make decision on my own. I wanted to and still protect my daughters!!!! I knew that I couldn't allow him to be around my daughter. I asked myself if my mom thought differently, and I think she did. Could she not understand where I was coming from? Was I speaking in another language she did not understand? I say these things because she did not come over to visit with us. My main rule was, he was not allowed in our house. So because of this she chose not to visit with us and would get upset about my firm decision. Was I asking a lot.... I don't think so.
So the days, weeks, months and years passed. In November 2003 I gave birth to our second baby girl. Once again I allowed my mother to witness this gift from God. But once again it did not go as I thought. I still did not allow him in our house!!! She rarely saw her grand daughters if she came over alone. At times she had family over from out of town at her house and at times we would stop in. If we went over it was for a short time and everyone always asked why we were leaving so soon. My mother always stated to others that she never got to see her grand daughters but she failed to tell them why. I followed her comments with my own, that she alone was welcome at our house. I'm not sure if family and others knew what that meant. (I have to think yes and I will go into that later).
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Now what
So from the age of 15 I was a very angry person. I lived my life.... (I felt on my own) From then on my mother would try to make everything nice and happy for all. I believe that deep down inside she knew this was all a hot mess. Maybe she asked herself, what was I thinking? At least that is what I hope she was asking herself. When family or friends were around she made them think that her house was pleasant and all was wonderful. Little did these people know what was really going on. I spent a lot of time away from home because I truly didn't want to be there and felt I had the right to do what ever I wanted to and they couldn't tell me different. They tired but I through it in their face. I know now that two wrongs do not make a right!!!! I was just a teenager trying to deal with everything that occurred and making it better for myself since I felt alone. At this point I only told my best friend at the time, Madelyn (I don't know what happened to her). I remember talking to her on the phone in my closet telling her more about me. I had the urge to tell someone and she was it. After our phone conversation was done I came out of my room to only hear my mother questioning who I was telling and why. I recall telling her that I could tell my friend if I wanted to because she cared about me and for her not to worry because she got what she wanted. These type of things went one until I moved out, I hated living there. I had to pay monthly rent, I had my own phone line and I purchased a lock and key for my room because I felt I had to look out for myself. All this was at the age of 15 when I worked at TJ Maxx and I could afford to do so.
My mother during Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays would buy something for him and say it was from me...seriously just so her family and friends would think God knows what. This is how my life was from the age of 15 to about 23 (when I got married). My family was the type that would try to buy your love and think that took care of it. Now being a teenager and only knowing that way for so long, I thought I was getting one over on them. By this time I was completely over the situation and thought I should have stayed shut! So when I wanted something I asked and told them I deserved it for doing what they wanted me to. I became selfish, black hearted and miserable. Again I know so much more now and live my life differently because I do not want that cycle with my family (husband and daughters).
I came to find out much later that my mom was telling my aunt (and maybe others too) that I brought this upon myself because I tried to do things with him. Now I understand how and why family and others treated me the way they did. During this time I didn't understand but not until the next blow out about this ordeal did it all make sense. At the age of 18 I was working full time and moved into my own apartment, freedom at last. I did not make the best choices but that was the least of my worries at the time. I ended up "dating" a guy that showed up at my apartment with his brother and two friends and a gun. A part of me actually wanted to open the door and just have them do what ever they intended to but the other part of me said no because I knew that is not the way I wanted to go out. Because of this I ended up living iwith my father in Puerto Rico for about 6 months. (I still didn't make the right choices) One night while living with my father, his girlfriend and her two children I told him and his girlfriend what occurred to me during my childhood. I honestly don't recall my fathers reaction (not sure why maybe I blocked it out). I do remember that he called my mother and they spoke on the phone but don't recall much after that. I eventually ended back in Tampa and living with my mom and her still husband. I lived there for a short while and then I met my knight and shining armor (my hubby). By this time I was 20 years old when I met my husband, I didn't know we were going to be married. ;)
My mother during Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays would buy something for him and say it was from me...seriously just so her family and friends would think God knows what. This is how my life was from the age of 15 to about 23 (when I got married). My family was the type that would try to buy your love and think that took care of it. Now being a teenager and only knowing that way for so long, I thought I was getting one over on them. By this time I was completely over the situation and thought I should have stayed shut! So when I wanted something I asked and told them I deserved it for doing what they wanted me to. I became selfish, black hearted and miserable. Again I know so much more now and live my life differently because I do not want that cycle with my family (husband and daughters).
I came to find out much later that my mom was telling my aunt (and maybe others too) that I brought this upon myself because I tried to do things with him. Now I understand how and why family and others treated me the way they did. During this time I didn't understand but not until the next blow out about this ordeal did it all make sense. At the age of 18 I was working full time and moved into my own apartment, freedom at last. I did not make the best choices but that was the least of my worries at the time. I ended up "dating" a guy that showed up at my apartment with his brother and two friends and a gun. A part of me actually wanted to open the door and just have them do what ever they intended to but the other part of me said no because I knew that is not the way I wanted to go out. Because of this I ended up living iwith my father in Puerto Rico for about 6 months. (I still didn't make the right choices) One night while living with my father, his girlfriend and her two children I told him and his girlfriend what occurred to me during my childhood. I honestly don't recall my fathers reaction (not sure why maybe I blocked it out). I do remember that he called my mother and they spoke on the phone but don't recall much after that. I eventually ended back in Tampa and living with my mom and her still husband. I lived there for a short while and then I met my knight and shining armor (my hubby). By this time I was 20 years old when I met my husband, I didn't know we were going to be married. ;)
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