A lot to take in

Okay where do I begin from the last post, oh yes...our second daughter was born. The following years were tough because now I had two daughters to protect. During this time frame I wanted to "repair" myself and by this I mean my feelings of anger and hurt. I visited a psychologist for a few months and found out I was dealing with post partum and I was also diagnosed border line bipolar. All this because of my post traumatic stress event which was not taken care of when I was younger. While I was visiting my head doctor I asked my mother to attend some of the sessions but she did not and stated to me that all I was going through and why I made the decisions I made was because my own choices. WOW talk about kicking someone when they are low or adding fuel to the fire. I do recall telling her that I did not have a good example of how to make decisions and I was brought up to please others instead of myself which lead to my decisions in life. Before I keep going I know some of you reading this will not believe the next statements but here it goes.

During this period of my life my mother was not working and we were adjusting financially to having two children, while I was going to "fix" myself. I allowed my mother to watch the girls at our house and this helped us and helped her too. There was one condition that came along with this responsibility, he was not allowed in the house or even in our driveway period!!! Once again the little girl inside of me trying to get her mother. I always called to hear how my girls were doing. Well some time went by and one day I asked my oldest (she was 2 1/2) so what did you do today and she replied... there was a man drinking coffee with Lela (that is what they called my mother), of course I blew my top and could not believe what I was hearing (till this day that brings tears to my eyes and my heart fills with pain). I tried not to show my anger to my daughter and I kept asking more questions. The next day I enrolled them in a daycare not far from my work and that was the last she took care of my daughters. I explained to her that she cut the trust again and that I couldn't believe what occurred. My mother took her defense and I didn't want anything to do with her for a while, I didn't know how to react, I was just so upset but at the same time I asked myself, why did I think this time would be different? I was still a little girl trying to get her mother's love.

Now the part where it comes out to the rest of the family. I was an office manager for a construction company staying busy. One day my cell rings and I knew what the call was going to consist of, I automatically started crying before I answered the phone. It was my cousin from NC so I picked up the phone (I will never forget this) and she stated that I knew why she was calling since she heard me crying. Silence took over for what seemed hours and she asked why I had not told her, I simply told her I don't know. Then she continued to ask if our aunt and grandmother knew or anyone else in the family. I told her no not that I know of, so this led to the news coming out. I told her that I would tell them but when I was ready, which I was never ready and I am glad that she told them (2 days later (I beleive) after our phone call). My aunt called me to come over to talk and I knew what it was about. I arrived and they were all crying and of course me too because it was shocking to them and this secret that I held on to for years was out! My grandmother was so upset that I had not ever seen her so upset in my life.