I recall my grandmother calling my mother on her cell phone, which "they" were heading out of town for something. My grandmother demanded she show up to the house or she was going to call the cops. (my grandmother didn't realize the cops couldn't do anything at this point, but that is how upset she was; God bless her soul). Alright my mother is at their house and is asking what is going on, I simply told her it's over and now they know. Naturally I was crying my eyes out and my mom had this look of shock. To be honest with you, as I sit here trying to recall all the details; I honestly can not and I believe and feel this is a blessing for me on this healing process I have been going through. I remember some yelling (4 latin ladies going at it) and I was sitting in a chair just crying and felt this load come off my back, literally a lift of heaviness was gone, as if I were free. Yes, I was free of carrying this secret burden for so many years.
From that day on I told my mother not to contact me and she was not allowed to see my daughters. I needed time to soak it all in, all that had happened and just be me! I know this crushed my grandmother and she was very hurt. I felt even more crappy because I didn't tell them sooner as they asked why I didn't. Then one day my aunt told me that she was sorry for how she treated me. I was confused by that and she proceeded to explain to me why. Like I stated before things were said by my mother to others during this time while it was a "secret". My mom had told my aunt that the reason he was living out of the house was because I tried to do something with him. This is going back a few years when I was 15 and he was told to move out of the house by the authorities or his lawyer. Of course I was even in more shock and questioned my aunt, are you sure? I couldn't believe what I was hearing, my heart just dropped to my stomach and I didn't know what to say or react. At the moment it confirmed that I made the right decision to not have her involved in my life.
My mom being the person she was and may still be. One memory that sticks is a bag full of items for my daughters which was dropped off at our house by her. Trying to buy herself back into our lives. When I arrived that day from work I wondered what is this? My gut told me what was going on but I didn't want to think it was true. The next day, immediately I returned the stuff to her house and left a note for her stating, " I told you I needed time and not to contact or in this case deliver anything to me or the girls". I was full of anger at this time of my life because I learned more about my mom. During this time my shame and guilt level rose higher and higher. From what I have read these are natural feelings for this type of thing. I couldn't help but ask myself; how could she be the person she is? I felt unloved and unprotected by the lady that brought me into this world and gave me life. What could have occurred in her childhood for her to be insecure? I also asked myself, why didn't I stop it, why didn't I tell someone, why why and more why?
The next two years was lived mother free. I enjoyed my life and who I was turning out to be. I focused on my husband and daughters. On day while at work my youngest cousin called me crying and wanted to live with us. The things that happened between my aunt and Jackie is between them and for her to share if she wants. Of course our answer was yes because I knew that was the right thing to do. Unfortunately my aunt, her mother may have felt threatened by this. Not sure exactly why because I was not taking her place but just trying to be there for my family. This caused things and feeling to change from my aunt towards me and I felt it from other family members. We tried our best to do what was best for Jackie; she called her mom and visited during this time she lived with us.
Every family has dysfunctional peeps and no one is "normal", or do you know what normal is?
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