First I would like to say that the last post and possibly the one before were raw....please understand these are my feelings from the time this happened. I am a new creation now and have learned from my past. (I still have more learning to do) :)
Once I met Julian, he was like no other guy I had ever met before. He was polite, nice, caring and understanding. A complete 360 from the guys I have ever chose to date before. I asked myself if there was something wrong with him, and the answer was and still is NO. He was brought up differently then others I have known. After a few months of dating I told him my story (briefly) because we were getting serious and I wanted him to know more about me. Looking back now, it made our relationship stronger and an open line of communication is one of the keys to a great relationship, in my opinion. During this time I still had "beef" with my mother because I was still angry towards her and the situation. I tried to work it out as best as I could and I was pre-occupied with my new love for life.... Julian. He was the one that always told me I needed to share what happened with my grandmother and others in my family. I told him I couldn't but he encouraged me to do so anyway. My life was good while we dated and then we got married in 1997, which was 3 1/2 years later. The day of my wedding I was happy because I was getting married to the love of my life but at the same time; I was angry because my mother and him still had some control, I don't even know how to describe it. How they said things or did things..... ?
I was pregnant with our first baby girl (July 2001) and we were scared and excited. I gave some thought about the situation between my mother and I. My conclusion was to allow her to be in the room when I gave birth. Why you may ask, well my thinking process was; if I allowed her to see the birth of my child it will bring her back memories of her own labor when she brought me into this world and allow her heart to open to me. Unfortunately, that did not work that way. Now that I became a mother it was even easier for me to make decision on my own. I wanted to and still protect my daughters!!!! I knew that I couldn't allow him to be around my daughter. I asked myself if my mom thought differently, and I think she did. Could she not understand where I was coming from? Was I speaking in another language she did not understand? I say these things because she did not come over to visit with us. My main rule was, he was not allowed in our house. So because of this she chose not to visit with us and would get upset about my firm decision. Was I asking a lot.... I don't think so.
So the days, weeks, months and years passed. In November 2003 I gave birth to our second baby girl. Once again I allowed my mother to witness this gift from God. But once again it did not go as I thought. I still did not allow him in our house!!! She rarely saw her grand daughters if she came over alone. At times she had family over from out of town at her house and at times we would stop in. If we went over it was for a short time and everyone always asked why we were leaving so soon. My mother always stated to others that she never got to see her grand daughters but she failed to tell them why. I followed her comments with my own, that she alone was welcome at our house. I'm not sure if family and others knew what that meant. (I have to think yes and I will go into that later).
Monday, June 21, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Now what
So from the age of 15 I was a very angry person. I lived my life.... (I felt on my own) From then on my mother would try to make everything nice and happy for all. I believe that deep down inside she knew this was all a hot mess. Maybe she asked herself, what was I thinking? At least that is what I hope she was asking herself. When family or friends were around she made them think that her house was pleasant and all was wonderful. Little did these people know what was really going on. I spent a lot of time away from home because I truly didn't want to be there and felt I had the right to do what ever I wanted to and they couldn't tell me different. They tired but I through it in their face. I know now that two wrongs do not make a right!!!! I was just a teenager trying to deal with everything that occurred and making it better for myself since I felt alone. At this point I only told my best friend at the time, Madelyn (I don't know what happened to her). I remember talking to her on the phone in my closet telling her more about me. I had the urge to tell someone and she was it. After our phone conversation was done I came out of my room to only hear my mother questioning who I was telling and why. I recall telling her that I could tell my friend if I wanted to because she cared about me and for her not to worry because she got what she wanted. These type of things went one until I moved out, I hated living there. I had to pay monthly rent, I had my own phone line and I purchased a lock and key for my room because I felt I had to look out for myself. All this was at the age of 15 when I worked at TJ Maxx and I could afford to do so.
My mother during Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays would buy something for him and say it was from me...seriously just so her family and friends would think God knows what. This is how my life was from the age of 15 to about 23 (when I got married). My family was the type that would try to buy your love and think that took care of it. Now being a teenager and only knowing that way for so long, I thought I was getting one over on them. By this time I was completely over the situation and thought I should have stayed shut! So when I wanted something I asked and told them I deserved it for doing what they wanted me to. I became selfish, black hearted and miserable. Again I know so much more now and live my life differently because I do not want that cycle with my family (husband and daughters).
I came to find out much later that my mom was telling my aunt (and maybe others too) that I brought this upon myself because I tried to do things with him. Now I understand how and why family and others treated me the way they did. During this time I didn't understand but not until the next blow out about this ordeal did it all make sense. At the age of 18 I was working full time and moved into my own apartment, freedom at last. I did not make the best choices but that was the least of my worries at the time. I ended up "dating" a guy that showed up at my apartment with his brother and two friends and a gun. A part of me actually wanted to open the door and just have them do what ever they intended to but the other part of me said no because I knew that is not the way I wanted to go out. Because of this I ended up living iwith my father in Puerto Rico for about 6 months. (I still didn't make the right choices) One night while living with my father, his girlfriend and her two children I told him and his girlfriend what occurred to me during my childhood. I honestly don't recall my fathers reaction (not sure why maybe I blocked it out). I do remember that he called my mother and they spoke on the phone but don't recall much after that. I eventually ended back in Tampa and living with my mom and her still husband. I lived there for a short while and then I met my knight and shining armor (my hubby). By this time I was 20 years old when I met my husband, I didn't know we were going to be married. ;)
My mother during Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays would buy something for him and say it was from me...seriously just so her family and friends would think God knows what. This is how my life was from the age of 15 to about 23 (when I got married). My family was the type that would try to buy your love and think that took care of it. Now being a teenager and only knowing that way for so long, I thought I was getting one over on them. By this time I was completely over the situation and thought I should have stayed shut! So when I wanted something I asked and told them I deserved it for doing what they wanted me to. I became selfish, black hearted and miserable. Again I know so much more now and live my life differently because I do not want that cycle with my family (husband and daughters).
I came to find out much later that my mom was telling my aunt (and maybe others too) that I brought this upon myself because I tried to do things with him. Now I understand how and why family and others treated me the way they did. During this time I didn't understand but not until the next blow out about this ordeal did it all make sense. At the age of 18 I was working full time and moved into my own apartment, freedom at last. I did not make the best choices but that was the least of my worries at the time. I ended up "dating" a guy that showed up at my apartment with his brother and two friends and a gun. A part of me actually wanted to open the door and just have them do what ever they intended to but the other part of me said no because I knew that is not the way I wanted to go out. Because of this I ended up living iwith my father in Puerto Rico for about 6 months. (I still didn't make the right choices) One night while living with my father, his girlfriend and her two children I told him and his girlfriend what occurred to me during my childhood. I honestly don't recall my fathers reaction (not sure why maybe I blocked it out). I do remember that he called my mother and they spoke on the phone but don't recall much after that. I eventually ended back in Tampa and living with my mom and her still husband. I lived there for a short while and then I met my knight and shining armor (my hubby). By this time I was 20 years old when I met my husband, I didn't know we were going to be married. ;)
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Its out and now what
Once my mother was aware of what had occurred she seemed shocked and in disbelief. Now that I am a mother of two girls I can't even imagine but I know what I would have to do. One day my mother called us into their living room and asked him to tell the truth which he flat out looked at me and lied with a grin on his face. My jaw dropped and I started crying and screaming that he was a lair and I cried to mother don't you believe me! My mother told me I couldn't tell anyone in the family. She knew I was very close to grandmother (her mother) and said that if my grandmother would find out this news, that it would kill her. Imagine telling this to your 15 year old daughter and having the guilt that I could kill my grandmother with words.
The authorities were involved I had a lawyer and he had a lawyer and my mother was in the middle of us both. I do recall my mother always going in first and after my visits while talking to the doctors and lawyer. I use to ask myself what did she tell them? Did she tell them I made all of this up? So then came child services and they made him move out of the house and then it was my mother and I living together while things were "sorted out". I remember her telling me that it was my fault that she had to take dinner to him and that she had to do so because he was living elsewhere. WOW Just typing that brings tears to my eyes and hurt to my heart. I'm a mother and I would never say that to my daughters that I have brought into this world with love, pain, sweat and raising them. How can a human being say that to another, I will NEVER understand that. (yes this is true and this "was" my life) After doctor visits and interviewing with authorities it was time for court. Another statement my mother made was, that I needed to dropped the charges because the judge, jurors and his lawyer would call me names (which I refuse to type) and that would be embarrassing to me. This is occurring at the age of 15 and I still as a child loving my mother I chose to listen to her because in my heart and mind I "truly" thought my mother was looking out for her daughter. (I know the difference now)
I recall the day in court crying my eyes out and having to say that I drop the charges against him. This meant no jail time for him.....man I don't regret things but that is one thing I do. I can not go back in time but I did grow up fast and learn a few things. He was put under house arrest (I don't recall the length of time) and he was allowed to move back in the house. He is registered with the sexual offenders and has that on his record for life. My mother was happy and I was sick to my stomach. From there on my relationship with my mother took a wrong turn and I never have treated my mother as a loving child should. I felt I had every right too treat her like dirt. I begged that I wanted to live in Puerto Rico with my father then that made my mother"go into" a shock and episode. So I didn't and I spent a lot of time away from home, boyfriends, late nights and partying it up. From the age of 15 -18 I was with the wrong crowd, drinking and then I dropped out of school and got my GED at the age of 17.
The authorities were involved I had a lawyer and he had a lawyer and my mother was in the middle of us both. I do recall my mother always going in first and after my visits while talking to the doctors and lawyer. I use to ask myself what did she tell them? Did she tell them I made all of this up? So then came child services and they made him move out of the house and then it was my mother and I living together while things were "sorted out". I remember her telling me that it was my fault that she had to take dinner to him and that she had to do so because he was living elsewhere. WOW Just typing that brings tears to my eyes and hurt to my heart. I'm a mother and I would never say that to my daughters that I have brought into this world with love, pain, sweat and raising them. How can a human being say that to another, I will NEVER understand that. (yes this is true and this "was" my life) After doctor visits and interviewing with authorities it was time for court. Another statement my mother made was, that I needed to dropped the charges because the judge, jurors and his lawyer would call me names (which I refuse to type) and that would be embarrassing to me. This is occurring at the age of 15 and I still as a child loving my mother I chose to listen to her because in my heart and mind I "truly" thought my mother was looking out for her daughter. (I know the difference now)
I recall the day in court crying my eyes out and having to say that I drop the charges against him. This meant no jail time for him.....man I don't regret things but that is one thing I do. I can not go back in time but I did grow up fast and learn a few things. He was put under house arrest (I don't recall the length of time) and he was allowed to move back in the house. He is registered with the sexual offenders and has that on his record for life. My mother was happy and I was sick to my stomach. From there on my relationship with my mother took a wrong turn and I never have treated my mother as a loving child should. I felt I had every right too treat her like dirt. I begged that I wanted to live in Puerto Rico with my father then that made my mother"go into" a shock and episode. So I didn't and I spent a lot of time away from home, boyfriends, late nights and partying it up. From the age of 15 -18 I was with the wrong crowd, drinking and then I dropped out of school and got my GED at the age of 17.
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