Now what

So from the age of 15 I was a very angry person. I lived my life.... (I felt on my own) From then on my mother would try to make everything nice and happy for all. I believe that deep down inside she knew this was all a hot mess. Maybe she asked herself, what was I thinking? At least that is what I hope she was asking herself. When family or friends were around she made them think that her house was pleasant and all was wonderful. Little did these people know what was really going on. I spent a lot of time away from home because I truly didn't want to be there and felt I had the right to do what ever I wanted to and they couldn't tell me different. They tired but I through it in their face. I know now that two wrongs do not make a right!!!! I was just a teenager trying to deal with everything that occurred and making it better for myself since I felt alone. At this point I only told my best friend at the time, Madelyn (I don't know what happened to her). I remember talking to her on the phone in my closet telling her more about me. I had the urge to tell someone and she was it. After our phone conversation was done I came out of my room to only hear my mother questioning who I was telling and why. I recall telling her that I could tell my friend if I wanted to because she cared about me and for her not to worry because she got what she wanted. These type of things went one until I moved out, I hated living there. I had to pay monthly rent, I had my own phone line and I purchased a lock and key for my room because I felt I had to look out for myself. All this was at the age of 15 when I worked at TJ Maxx and I could afford to do so.

My mother during Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays would buy something for him and say it was from me...seriously just so her family and friends would think God knows what. This is how my life was from the age of 15 to about 23 (when I got married). My family was the type that would try to buy your love and think that took care of it. Now being a teenager and only knowing that way for so long, I thought I was getting one over on them. By this time I was completely over the situation and thought I should have stayed shut! So when I wanted something I asked and told them I deserved it for doing what they wanted me to. I became selfish, black hearted and miserable. Again I know so much more now and live my life differently because I do not want that cycle with my family (husband and daughters).

I came to find out much later that my mom was telling my aunt (and maybe others too) that I brought this upon myself because I tried to do things with him. Now I understand how and why family and others treated me the way they did. During this time I didn't understand but not until the next blow out about this ordeal did it all make sense. At the age of 18 I was working full time and moved into my own apartment, freedom at last. I did not make the best choices but that was the least of my worries at the time. I ended up "dating" a guy that showed up at my apartment with his brother and two friends and a gun. A part of me actually wanted to open the door and just have them do what ever they intended to but the other part of me said no because I knew that is not the way I wanted to go out. Because of this I ended up living iwith my father in Puerto Rico for about 6 months. (I still didn't make the right choices) One night while living with my father, his girlfriend and her two children I told him and his girlfriend what occurred to me during my childhood. I honestly don't recall my fathers reaction (not sure why maybe I blocked it out). I do remember that he called my mother and they spoke on the phone but don't recall much after that. I eventually ended back in Tampa and living with my mom and her still husband. I lived there for a short while and then I met my knight and shining armor (my hubby). By this time I was 20 years old when I met my husband, I didn't know we were going to be married. ;)