Mother Free

While my cousin Jackie lived with us I was mother free. My aunt and grandmother were different with me due to the fact that we took Jackie in. Maybe they thought I was going to "make" her not love her mother or stay away from her mother but that was not the case. We encouraged phone calls and visits to her mother and during this time we cared for Jackie. There were a few "disagreements" between my grandmother and I because of my aunt's issues. During this time my grandmother started speaking again to my mother again outside of my aunts house (since they lived in the same house). My aunt didn't speak to my mother or did not allow her in her house, I can understand her anger feelings towards that situation. My grandmother would talk to me and try to get me to change my mind but she didn't understand how I was feeling. I felt free for the first time in a really long time...I did not have to fake the loving and caring daughter role any longer and now someone was forcing me to change towards my own feelings. I loved my grandmother very much and more than my mother because growing up in Puerto Rico I was always around my grandparents.



To sum this portion up the conversation between us went back and forth on my feelings towards my mother. To this day I am not sure if my grandmother ever understood my feelings but I sure did. My aunt had anger towards me or at least that is the impression she gave me when I would take Jackie over to visit her and return when Jackie wanted to be picked up. I tried to talk to my aunt but it was tough because she and I are very alike, stubborn and hard headed Latin ladies. ;) It was another tough 6 months in my life during this period because I was making myself happy and trying to please others. So this went along until one night I get a call from my mothers friend that my grandmother is in the hospital and we need to visit her, not good. My heart dropped when I heard that even though I knew she was ill but one is never ready to actually hear those words.



Jackie and I went to the hospital and visited with our grandmother and basically waited until she passed. This was extremely hard because we had been heavily discussing certain situations and I felt like a jerk but before she left this world I whispered to her that I loved her very much and I was sorry. I believe she heard me and I just held her hand like I have never done so before. She was my rock and my gem which I loved dearly!!!!!! (I haven't cried for her in two years until now) You may be asking if my mother was around and yes she was but I had no interaction with her unless it was to get information about my grandmother. We all flew to Puerto Rico because my grandmother wanted to be buried next to her husband. During the funeral other family members asked why I was not sitting by mom or aunt and I just said because I have my reason and a lot has happened and this is not the place to speak about it. Maybe they knew or maybe not, I know some of my great aunts and cousins knew.



We returned home and Jackie decided to move back in with her mother. I will say I was hurt because it was the same day we got home and she was packing up while we were eating dinner. I know there was some family members that may have given her the guilt trip (because that is what our family does) now that my aunt was going to alone. So just like that Jackie she was gone.... I was disappointed. It was too much for me to handle at one time, emotionally I was on a rollercoaster of feelings. I cried, smiled, and laughed which I knew I had to take control of my life once again. My husband is the best and I am forever GRATEFUL to have him in my life. He has put up with so much but as he says, I'm here for you and love you. During those past two years I was diagnosed bipolar and was put on meds, wow what a difference that made in my life.