Its out and now what

Once my mother was aware of what had occurred she seemed shocked and in disbelief. Now that I am a mother of two girls I can't even imagine but I know what I would have to do. One day my mother called us into their living room and asked him to tell the truth which he flat out looked at me and lied with a grin on his face. My jaw dropped and I started crying and screaming that he was a lair and I cried to mother don't you believe me! My mother told me I couldn't tell anyone in the family. She knew I was very close to grandmother (her mother) and said that if my grandmother would find out this news, that it would kill her. Imagine telling this to your 15 year old daughter and having the guilt that I could kill my grandmother with words.

The authorities were involved I had a lawyer and he had a lawyer and my mother was in the middle of us both. I do recall my mother always going in first and after my visits while talking to the doctors and lawyer. I use to ask myself what did she tell them? Did she tell them I made all of this up? So then came child services and they made him move out of the house and then it was my mother and I living together while things were "sorted out". I remember her telling me that it was my fault that she had to take dinner to him and that she had to do so because he was living elsewhere. WOW Just typing that brings tears to my eyes and hurt to my heart. I'm a mother and I would never say that to my daughters that I have brought into this world with love, pain, sweat and raising them. How can a human being say that to another, I will NEVER understand that. (yes this is true and this "was" my life) After doctor visits and interviewing with authorities it was time for court. Another statement my mother made was, that I needed to dropped the charges because the judge, jurors and his lawyer would call me names (which I refuse to type) and that would be embarrassing to me. This is occurring at the age of 15 and I still as a child loving my mother I chose to listen to her because in my heart and mind I "truly" thought my mother was looking out for her daughter. (I know the difference now)

I recall the day in court crying my eyes out and having to say that I drop the charges against him. This meant no jail time for him.....man I don't regret things but that is one thing I do. I can not go back in time but I did grow up fast and learn a few things. He was put under house arrest (I don't recall the length of time) and he was allowed to move back in the house. He is registered with the sexual offenders and has that on his record for life. My mother was happy and I was sick to my stomach. From there on my relationship with my mother took a wrong turn and I never have treated my mother as a loving child should. I felt I had every right too treat her like dirt. I begged that I wanted to live in Puerto Rico with my father then that made my mother"go into" a shock and episode. So I didn't and I spent a lot of time away from home, boyfriends, late nights and partying it up. From the age of 15 -18 I was with the wrong crowd, drinking and then I dropped out of school and got my GED at the age of 17.